Cynical Man Knows Biden Election Won’t Actually Solve Fundamental Problem Of His Plantar Fasciitis

PHOENIX—Unwilling to entertain the idea of a brighter future, local cynic Kevin Schwertman confirmed Tuesday that he knew electing Joe Biden president wouldn’t actually solve the fundamental problem of his plantar fasciitis. “Look, I would love if Biden could wave a wand and put an end to my plantar fasciitis, but even if the Democrats manage to pull this election off, that’s not going to happen,” said Schwertman, who explained that while he would cast his ballot for the Democratic nominee, the underlying inflammation in the tendons of his left foot was just too severe for one man to change. “Life under Trump hasn’t been easy, but if you look back to when Obama was president, I had heel pain then too. Is Biden going to give me arch support? Ice my feet? Come over and stretch my calves? At the end of the day, it’s obvious I need special shoes.” At press time, Schwertman added that even if he personally received orthopedics, there would still be millions of Americans without gel insoles.

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