Deli Worker Searches For Palest, Mealiest Tomato To Put On Customer’s Sandwich


YARMOUTH, MA—Expressing exasperation at the limited field of options that could properly adorn the turkey club, Xpress Fresh worker Greg Sacco reportedly searched through a deli tub Monday for the palest, mealiest tomato that he could put on a customer’s sandwich. “It’s tough, because you really want something perfectly wet and flavorless that will make the bread so soggy it’s basically dissolving, and I’m just not seeing too many great options,” said Sacco as he held up two potential contenders—one that was mostly a colorless stem and another that gave off a putrid scent—before discarding them as inadequate. “You can’t grab the newly sliced stuff on top. You have to really reach down to the bottom and get the stuff that’s been there losing all its taste for a couple days. Ugh, some of these have way too much color. I just want a nice slice that’s bland and slightly gritty. But none of these are really hitting the bar set by that scraggly brown bit of iceberg lettuce that I found. God, what am I supposed to do here?”At press time, Sacco had thrown out the sandwich and settled on just making a ham salad on stale rye to wrongly give to the customer instead of her actual order.



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