Experts Confirm Virus Stockpile Large Enough To Prevent Any Covid Shortages This Winter

WASHINGTON—Rushing to assure the country’s populace ahead of the holiday season, experts confirmed Monday that the nation’s virus stockpiles were large enough to prevent any Covid-19 shortages this winter. “Let me be perfectly clear: We have a nearly inexhaustible supply of the virus on hand that will easily last through March, if not much longer,” said CDC director Robert Redfield, telling reporters that the pathogen would first be rolled out to healthcare workers and vulnerable populations this winter but would ultimately be distributed to every American citizen. “We’ve used the months since cases first began spiking in March to accumulate as much of the virus as possible, so fortunately at this point there’s essentially zero risk that we’ll run out.” Redfield added that all Americans could do their part by continuing to go out and socialize with complete impunity.

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