FBI Psychological Profilers Say Ritualistic Murders Suggest Serial Killer Totally Bananas

QUANTICO, VA—Rushing to put together a psychological analysis of the perpetrator who had left behind the heinous crime scene, FBI profilers revealed Friday that a series of ritualistic murders suggested that the serial killer in question was totally bananas. “The fact that the victims had the skin on their faces peeled off indicates that the unidentified subject we’re looking for had a strong tendency towards being completely cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs,” said lead investigator Remy Kazis, noting that the methodical stacking of the entire family’s bodies neatly in the basement was characteristic of a nutso loon who had gone all the way round the bend. “The suspect took a tooth from each victim as a souvenir, which is a textbook M.O. for a male in their mid-30s with a history of bats in the belfry, likely springing from an early childhood trauma at the hands of a father figure who was himself a gibbering wackadoo of the highest order.” Kazis cautioned that despite the profile his team had put together, they still couldn’t rule out the possibility that the crime scene had been staged by a cunning murderer who was merely a high-functioning asshole.

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