THE HEAVENS—Expressing uncertainty about how to handle the awkward situation, The Lord God Almighty was reportedly blindsided Monday after His illegitimate son Xyzyys from the Andromeda Galaxy tracked Him down. “Dammit, he clearly used his own money to travel here and he doesn’t have any way to get home, so I guess I kind of have to let him crash on my couch for a couple days, but my apartment is no place for a kid,” said The Supreme Being, tossing some old Miller Lites and copies of Playboy into a waste basket to accommodate His unexpected guest. “He seems like a nice enough kid, but I have to play things smart here until I can confirm that he’s really mine. If his mom is the insectoid creature I’m thinking of, she’s fucking nuts, so I better not promise him anything or I’m going to get slapped with a paternity suit. I’ll just try and keep him busy until I can get a DNA test processed.” At press time, God had enlisted St. Peter to go throw the ball around with Xyzyys so He could get another 45 minutes of sleep.