HAMRIN MOUNTAINS, IRAQ—Exasperated by the stress of being constantly uprooted, ISIS brat Abu Hamza al-Ahmed confessed Tuesday he hates the ordeal of changing schools whenever his father, a commander in the Islamic State, receives a new deployment. “It really sucks, because right when I start to settle in and make friends, the caliphate gives my dad orders to move to a new country and eradicate the infidel from a whole different part of the world,” said al-Ahmed, who predicted that his father would one day be a great martyr to the cause and bring glory to the family, but complained that in the meantime he, at age 12, had attended a dozen schools and never had any long-term friendships, let alone a girlfriend. “While the bombings are truly glorious, I just wish he’d stop every now and then to consider how destructive his job has been to my social life. Sure, I’ve seen more places than most kids my age—Yemen, Somalia, Nigeria, you name it—but before I get a chance to really experience them, Dad carries out another righteous attack against the unbelievers and we’re rushed off to the next staging ground. I’m just saying, some stability would be nice for once.” At press time, al-Ahmed had locked himself in his room and refused to speak after being told his father had been reassigned to Washington, D.C.