Mom Explains New Wildly Ill-Informed Measures To Keep Family Safe During Thanksgiving

HOLLYWOOD, FL—Calling her dinner plan “foolproof” despite varying significantly from recommendations issued by the CDC, area mother Jill Elliott explained several new, wildly ill-informed measures Monday to keep her family safe during Thanksgiving. “I’ve been doing my research, and I think if I sit the whole family at an extra-long table, give everyone their own disposable silverware, and spray some Lysol into the air every few minutes between courses, we should be a-okay,” said Elliott, holding up several bottles of hand sanitizer in one hand and a box fan in the other while listing off various well-intentioned but completely off-base strategies for preventing the spread of coronavirus. “The second people come over, I’m going to open all the windows, take everyone’s temperature, and sit your grandparents at a separate table in the living room where there’s a fireplace, because I heard the coronavirus can’t survive heat. Also, I know we have some people flying in from out of state, and I think as long as they hug high-risk people from the side, instead of face to face, that should stop the spread.” Elliott added that even though she had a fever and a bit of a cough, she was sure she’d be over it by the time her family arrived.

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