Onion Sports’ Guide To Super Bowl LV


Onion Sports’ Guide To Super Bowl LV

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1.

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Andy Reid

  • Strength: Universally admired in the coaching community despite always trying to defeat other coaches.
  • Weakness: Still hasn’t won a Super Bowl without James Winchester as his long snapper.
  • Guilty Pleasure: Trips Left, Zorro 926 Pop Y Drag
  • Embarrassing Secret: Vast majority of long touchdowns were designed to only gain 3 or 4 yards.
  • Hobbies: Draws up perfect game plans for other 31 teams every week.

2.

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Bruce Arians

  • Strength: With over 40 years of experience, has learned from some all-time great coaches and also Butch Davis.
  • Weakness: Gives away trick plays by giggling too much before the snap.
  • Scent: Nordic pine
  • Guilty Pleasure: Telling Blaine Gabbert to stay loose because he might get some snaps.
  • Dream Job: Replacing Tom Brady as coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

3.

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Patrick Mahomes

  • Strength: Cannon arm, cannon legs, cannon chest.
  • Weakness: Considered unreliable after he was selected in the 2014 MLB draft by the Detroit Tigers and then never showed up to camp.
  • Lifelong Dream: Win Super Bowl Against Tom Brady’s second team.
  • Senior Yearbook Quote: “Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.”
  • Facial Hair: Wispy

4.

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Tom Brady

  • Strength: Super Bowl win is pretty much just muscle memory at this point.
  • Weakness: Hasn’t seen Kansas City playbook in over a year.
  • Personality: One of few people who would somehow seem less weird if they were a Scientologist.
  • Indulgences: Has been known to treat himself to extra hour of standing, blinking in hyperbaric chamber.
  • Leadership Style: Shares in his success by throwing passes to other players on the team.

5.

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Tyrann Mathieu

  • Strength: Ability to read body language cues from receivers such as recognizing that they’re running up the field.
  • Weakness: Has no clue why its called “Nickel.”
  • Nickname Origin: Friends started calling him Honey Badger when they noticed him raiding beehives and tearing bark from trees.
  • Uplifting Story: Turned life around after smoking some weed in college.
  • Deity Credited For Success: God.

6.

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Jason Pierre-Paul

  • Strength: Streamlined hand design.
  • Weakness: Will often lose focus and start mindlessly scrolling on his phone during run plays.
  • Favorite Part Of Football: The pointy ends.
  • Mindset: Likes to think that he “encourages” fumbles rather than “forces” them.
  • Physical Build: Giant wingspan helps him give excellent hugs.

7.

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Tyreek Hill

  • Strength: Strong hands with large, long fingers capable of reaching around entire neck.
  • Weakness: Inability to slow things down and just enjoy the moment.
  • 40 Time: 4.29 if it’s yards, 5:33:10 if it’s miles.
  • Twitter Handle: @cheetah, which we admit is actually pretty cool.
  • Job He Would Have If He Wasn’t NFL Wide Receiver: Producing license plates at correctional facility.

8.

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Mike Evans

  • Strength: Elite leaping ability makes him the ideal receiver for grabbing Tom Brady’s errant passes.
  • Weakness: Terrified of turning his back towards the spooky pirate ship in Northeast end zone.
  • Hand Size: 79 (Europe), 4 (North America)
  • Childhood: Pretty heartbreaking if you’re up for it.
  • Secret Weapon: Very good at doing that thing where the receiver jogs from one side of the formation to the other.



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