HUNTS POINT, WA—Sharing the message on his Twitter account as well as in an official press release to journalists, Steve Ballmer issued a statement Tuesday clarifying that his marriage has never been more solid. “After 31 years of marriage, I’m proud to announce our relationship has never been better—God, Connie, I love you so much,” said the former Microsoft CEO, who confirmed that the physical, spiritual, and emotional connection he shared with his wife was only growing stronger with each passing day. “The two of us have done a lot of work on our marriage in the past few years, and let me tell you, it’s paid off tremendously. We’re solid as a goddamn rock over here. Frankly, things in the bedroom are off the charts. Let’s just say it gets pretty hot, heavy, and sticky. Who knows, we might even make another kid.” At press time, Ballmer asked that the press respect the couple’s privacy as they planned their intimate vow renewal ceremony in the Maldives.