FOX RIVER GROVE, IL—Cowering before the home intruder on her hands and knees, local woman Cori Olson reportedly begged a murderer Wednesday not to decrease the property values in the neighborhood. “Please, you don’t have to do this, please—think of the homeowner’s association!” said Olson, weeping into her hands as she implored the killer to consider the 3 to 5% drop in resale value a homicide could cause. “Please, just put down the knife and think about the crime statistics! I’m begging you, stop, I’m a mother! Do you want my children to have to try to unload this place? You don’t have to do this here, you could put me in the trunk and kill me a mile west in Shannon Creek where no one gives a shit. What do you want, is it cash? You can have cash. You can have anything. Wait, no, not that, that’s an original Tiffany lamp. Please, put that down!” At press time, Olson was pleading with the murderer to at least cover the hardwood floors before he killed her.