Townspeople Declare We All Decent Folks Round These Parts Who Don’t Want No Trouble

LOWELL TOWNSHIP—Announcing their longstanding policy of keeping to themselves mostly, local townspeople declared Monday that they were all decent folks round these parts and didn’t want no trouble. “We’re just simple folk and don’t need no out-of-towners coming down and stirring up a fuss,” said shop proprietor Tom Smith, confirming that residents of their small village simply wanted to mind their business and didn’t have no truck with no rabble-rousers who come to disturb the peace with a bunch of questions. “Don’t go sticking your nose where it don’t belong, you hear me? Besides, we ain’t heard nothing about what you’re talking about, so just go away and leave us be!” At press time, Smith joined his fellow townspeople from peering out from behind shopfronts with an unmistakable air of keeping something hidden.

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