Trump Stokes Crime Fears By Having Mike Pompeo Disguise As Cat Burglar, Rob Him On Debate Stage

CLEVELAND—Letting out a forced gasp at the phony mugging, President Donald Trump stoked fears surrounding crime Tuesday by having Secretary of State Mike Pompeo disguise himself as a cat burglar and rob him on the debate stage. “Oh no, look, it’s a violent Antifa thug sent here by Joe Biden to rob me!” said Trump, exclaiming that these types of thefts would happen more and more if liberals raise taxes while a black-clad Pompeo stuffed the president’s wallet into a sack emblazoned with a dollar sign. “Yikes! I want to call the cops on this very, very bad guy, but there aren’t any police around because Black Lives Matter got rid of them! I should never have come to this Democrat-run city!” At press time, William Barr came out disguised as a doctor to treat Trump’s injuries and then charged him $50,000, explaining that the high price tag was due to the exorbitant insurance premiums caused by the ACA.

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